Thank you for your useful tips on how to receive feedback. You’ve make a lot of really excellent points.

I have some questions about your apology section. Jimmy John’s sandwich shops have lots of signs and on one is an apology formula: “Proper Apologies Have Three Parts. What I did was wrong. I feel badly that I hurt you. How can I make this better?” Over time, I’ve come to appreciate its wisdom. Other apology formulae suggest even more components including an explanation. Most agree that an offer of amends is the most important part of an apology.

Your formula roughly follows Jimmy John’s with a couple of significant differences. You suggest people re-state what was problematic about their behavior, but you don’t suggest that they acknowledge that it was wrong. It may be that you are leaving room for people to make apologies for things that they don’t necessarily think are wrong. In which case, I’m wondering whether that’s an apology.

You then suggest people name the impact but don’t suggest they express remorse. Again, perhaps you’re leaving room for situations where people don’t feel bad about what they did. And again, I’m wonder whether that’s an apology.

You also suggest people share their plan to shift their behavior, but you don’t suggest that they get input from the people providing the feedback and develop their amends in consultation with them. The Jimmy John’s formula suggests asking, not telling, how to make things better, and I think that’s wise. If the feedback is valid and worthy of an apology, then consulting those who were harmed or offended is crucial in assuring successful change.